My hair reeks of homosexuality.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
