My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
operation have a gay friend backfired
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
