So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
