Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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