Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
