So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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