I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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