i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
