so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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