my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
