So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
