dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
false alarm, still single
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
