Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
