apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
