I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize