M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
