I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
