Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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