dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Randomize
