It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
