my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
