Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
