i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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