Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
