Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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