Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
