Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
