Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
