Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
i think my cat just said my name.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
