He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
