I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
