yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize