i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
