i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
