I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
