Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
