his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
