Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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