I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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