I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize