she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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