Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
