I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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