I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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