Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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