Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
