He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
