the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
