I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
