Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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