this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
