I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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