yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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