I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just googled if crying burns calories
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
being pregnant is like rehab
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
