You smell like a Billy Joel song
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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