I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
