1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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