Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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